This is something I have tried to write about for a very long time. It isn’t so much that it is difficult for me to talk about, but it is difficult for me to explain with total clarity for others to understand. Each relationship I have had has dug me deeper into a depressed state and deeper into a lack of communication and expression. This doesn’t just include intimate relationships although they are the predominant issues, but just people who were once friends, people that I found to be much too negative to be around, people who turned there backs and those who broke promises.
It’s easy to put all the blame on others, but I equally take the blame and as time moves on I know my reactions are coming from past experiences that may not be the same reactions from other people.
Some of my first memories as a small child are from abuse. I remember the sexual abuse from my father vividly and no one can take these thoughts and memories away. I remember the physical abuse form my father and the emergency stitches given to me on a pool table in a doctors basement. It would have been too much embarrassment to take me to a hospital and have others see me like I was. The scar is still there, but not as evident as the memories I still see. Maybe the hospital was just too far and the doctor’s basement was the next best thing.
These things set me back from an early age, but I’m still here to remember these thoughts so that is better than the outcome others have had.
Small promises that were broken when I thought what people said meant something. Very petty promises yet promised all the same stick in my mind like grudges that could push mountains. I still feel them although I know it is nothing more than my own thoughts. I can’t expect circumstances to give way to other’s words.
Failed relationships and breakdowns in communication that I feel could have possibly been prevented and now I just see them as some sort of justice that I do not believe in. If I follow my lineage through time I will see that each patriarch rose to the top but died at the bottom. Should I try to give my best will and change this or accept it as karmic fate? I believe this only as far as I can use it for an excuse. I could get out of this depression and change myself, but maybe I am not meant to. Who knows. I certainly don’t know and I don’t understand what makes anyone else think they know.
The drawing that a physiologist made me draw after my parent’s divorce. Could those things be the root of why I feel things should be the way I wish they could be? The physiologist would say draw your family. I would draw my mom, my dad, and myself in front of my house. He would ask why I had two parents in the drawing. Well I have two parents. Regardless of divorce, I have two parents. Therefor when asked to draw my family I would do so. If today I were asked to draw the same thing it would take much longer to draw all the people I see as family, not to mention many of those family members are quite large.
Could it be the “don’t talk to strangers”, “just say no”, get your kids fingerprinted, child abduction, constant plane hijacking, reason for terror society that I grew up in?
The world has become a scary place and as thankful as I am for having what I have, knowing who I know, all the great experiences, and great things I have accomplished; I still see the reason to be fearful of others.
Maybe it was the first girlfriend who cheated on me several times, and turned the table accusing me of raping her just as she had done to past boyfriends. Maybe it was the first wife who cheated on me as well but told a judge she wanted a divorce due to me being atheist and her christian. Thats a strange accusation coming from someone with wiccan and krishna tattoos. Maybe none of this should even be brought up and I should see the thanks I have. I’ll agree with that, but I need to put it on paper so I can see the trail I have gone down and all that built this weariness.
I need to see my own light at the end of my own tunnel. If I see someone else’s light I only see false hope. I need it done by myself. Asking for help is a huge first step, but so difficult when so many turned their backs and you don’t know who to trust in asking. Sometimes I may see a great person in which to have a relationship with as my reason to get better, only to wear that person down with a distrust in understanding. How can I expect anyone to understand when no one has lived my life? Relativity only goes so far and maybe I need someone below my idea of relativity.
Some close friends say I have had a very hard live. I don’t see it as such and I don’t know why they would either. I know I’ve had tough times, but I know I have helped many others going through harder times. There is no hardest of times, because somewhere someone has never known love or compassion and is taking her or his last breathe. Some where there is the greatness of peace where food is plentiful and willingly shared. Love and shelter is given freely because we all know we must create together or there is no appreciation towards creating a better world.
The one who says we must no longer fight those who fight us, is talking to both sides, not just one. We must realize that in seeing differences, past experiences, and all that life has given us then we must respect one another equally and not indifferently. The indifference comes from our experiences that have jaded us. These experiences create hate over race, sex, culture, religion… so on. In order to turn or experiences into positives we must go out, find that same person who made us jaded and create a love for them that they can not deny. Don’t take that as literal as it may sound. Take it as a way to better our lives. Go out, help those whom you have never helped.
Now that the peace love and kumbaya has been spread, we must prepare our defenses. Even the greatest of monks is prepared to defend. Even buddah has a fury and rage. We must be ready and act only when needed. Our attitude to love leads to a lack of offensiveness, but it can be viewed as weakness to others. Never let the willingness to care for others leave you vulnerable. Take care of self, take care of others. Pretty simple if we can only wipe away the past of cultural and mental indifferences.